Friday, November 23, 2012

Spelling Out Life... with Smiles Again

no more disappointments, no more tears for the loss, 
no more fears, no more sorrows.

thank you Daddy God
for restoring my faith once again.

I really miss the joy that I left behind when I chose to let You go.
It feels awesome just to be back in Your grace once again. 

Friday, November 2, 2012

Spelling Out Life... with Disappointments

im still disappointed, God. I am. Everyday I wish I can scream it out to someone, everyday I wish I'm in an empty room far far away where it's just You listening to me how hurt I am, You being there. Everyday, Lord. everyday I wish You just take the disappointment away. I guess, it's just a wish for You.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Spelling out Life... with 3 deaths and 3 Weddings

Hey guys,

I've been having some rough patches lately and they weren't kind to me most of the time. I guess that is what we all need once in a while...

I know some of you have not known this, but I just had my third funeral in 10 months last month on the 6 Sept. It is still painful and sad for me, not only I lost someone who watched me grow from birth, but I lost someone whom I dearly loved, my uncle Joe. He succumbed to nose cancer but I believe God restored his soul along the way.


I still am mourning. Up to now.

But God is good. Although it is pretty hard to acknowledge that right now. 

God is good.

You know how I know?

He added unto us 3 weddings to replace the tears we shed.

My sister's wedding was in July.
My brother's wedding was a day after Uncle Joe's death.
My cousin's wedding was a day after Uncle Joe's burial.

Yet, the weekend that Uncle Joe's passing, it was freaking shitty hard. I had emotional breakdown for a week or two after the funeral and the weddings. My brains can't handle two distinct emotions in a good one day. Imagine, funeral during the day, wedding at night and the day after. It was insane. I really thank God for a new month, a new day and patient companies who stood by me and cried with me. 

I miss you, uncle.

Here's a gift for you because it was emotionally hard to give it to you the day when you reach heaven and meet Daddy God, Ipu Kerato and Ipu Beridang. :(

Smile, daughter, smile

out of the wheels again, yet
thoughts that bristles and tingle, that smile,
 captivates me all the time
and it kept me.
For all the time I had.

Alive is what your smiles made me.
Please, in all you do,
smile, daughter, smile.
Even when i'm not on the wheels again
it kept me.
For all the time you have.

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Spelling Out Life... with Mirror Her

She becomes your expectation when you least know it
She becomes your doll when you want it to be
She becomes your life when you subtly feed it

She becomes less of her mind when she finally realized it too late.
She becomes less of her soul when she finally found her mind
She becomes less of her heart when she finally found her soul
She becomes less of nothingness when she finally found her heart left

She yearns to be what you want her to be, 
yet it seems like she's retaliating.
She yearns to strive her inner beauty,
yet it is against time, when time is not yet there.
She yearns to build her self again,
yet it seems like she was never up all along.
She yearns to be independent and strong,
yet it seems like she was not meant to be.
She yearns to love herself and others,
yet it seems like she had no love to begin with.

Dear you, 
She's retaliating because you want her to be your expectation.
She's retaliating because experiences will nurture her, not you.
She's retaliating because she wants herself back, not the image you want of her.
She's retaliating because she knows she is perfect, but not in your time.
She's retaliating because that love she had was scarred deep inside, not because she had none.

She is building herself now but you need to find yourself too, 
because she sees that you are exactly her.

Spelling Out Life... with Cataclysm

When you were standing in the wake of devastation 

When you were waiting on the edge of the unknown 

With the cataclysm raining down

Your insides crying, "Save me now" 

You were there, impossibly alone. 
- Irisdescent

yes, I am possibly alone and I need His saving hands. sigh

Spelling Out Life... with Not-So-Positive Mind

Lately with what is going on in my family and relationship, I start to see things in a mundane-lifeless way... I have not been feeding myself with truth and words of encouragement but I gave myself hard-aching lies that sips out the joy in me. I know God is good but I lose heart. I lose heart. It's easy to be in that position, u see, u just need to stay away from the Word for a day or two, pick quarrels with someone you love once or twice, say "i'm okay" everyday, be alone and online for almost all the time, isolate yourself on and off, and VOILA, you just got your heart lost! sigh.

Oh Lord, Lord, teach me words of life once again that I may worship You again and bless others with it. I've been nothing but "I Dont Know" or "I cant". teach me to stop being useless and give me the heart to grow again. I'm tired and lost.

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Spelling Out Life with... His Strength!

Oh boy, it's not easy. It needs constant reminder not to fall back into sexual immoralities, lustful thoughts, speeches and actions. But to make it clear, I have not had sex with anyone ever in my life, which I thank God He had been there preventing me for a good long few years now. Good God he is. :)

So far, I fell a few times, of course, but every day it is a lesson learnt and now, for a good few weeks, I'm free from it! HAHA. I feel clean and it's like a testimony to me! Kudos to me. I do encourage all of you, who have sexual addictions on stuff you shouldn't have, pray for repentance, tell someone about it and come clean. don't fall for hell when heaven is just steps away. :) He will work in you and through you and I'll pray alongside you. :) He helps and He's a forgiving father and He loves you. :)


all glory to God in the highest. 

Sunday, June 24, 2012

Spelling Out Life... with The Lord's Call

Hey guys, how are ya?


I've been having some quiet time lately, it has been good. :) Today, I've read the book of Haggai coz that's what He wants me to learn from. From the utter painful cane from book of Hosea, He reminds me about His forgiveness and grace that He wants me to have after a long time. A few verses stroke my mind as I spent time with Him.

Haggai 1:1-12

This is what the Lord Almighty says: “Give careful thought to your ways. Go up into the mountains and bring down timber and build my house, so that I may take pleasure in it and be honored,” says the Lord. “You expected much, but see, it turned out to be little. What you brought home, I blew away. Why?” declares the Lord Almighty. “Because of my house, which remains a ruin, while each of you is busy with your own house. 10 Therefore, because of you the heavens have withheld their dew and the earth its crops. 11 I called for a drought on the fields and the mountains, on the grain, the new wine, the olive oil and everything else the ground produces, on people and livestock, and on all the labor of your hands.”

He constantly reminded me of "give careful thought to your ways" and "because of my house, which remains a ruin, while each of you is busy with your own house". It took me a second to know that I've been such a slack in His ways, which all of you have known. I know I'm not going to be best at keeping my mouth shut or be less like a kid, but I guess, everybody needs to start from somewhere. I also learnt that God wants so much of His temple to be there, which is in us, that pure loving relationship that He so very want to have, but it was in ruin because we are so busy with everything outside this relationship of His. We want our own home, a place of security, to be a place where we design, we forge, we create and it's all about US, our selfish self, that we leave behind His temple, and we constantly and independently grow on our own strength to build a security for ourself, just plain forgetting the only place He wants to dwell in. 

and one thing I'm still not done praying is due to this verse. I still can't get around it. It was speaking so loud  that I know He spoke to me though still don't know what it means. 

Haggai 2:23

“‘On that day,’ declares the Lord Almighty, ‘I will take you, my servant Zerubbabel son of Shealtiel,’ declares the Lord, ‘and I will make you like my signet ring, for I have chosen you,’ declares the Lord Almighty.”

I am not doubtful of what will happen in the next adventure I face but rest assured, He will take me to another level of faith. I will be that joy and grace that He will be proud of because I am His own. :) 

For I have forgotten the ways that You want me to have, restore in me the heart to be passionate for this land, the people and for Your words. This is what You have called me for and flame it back, Lord. 

That's about it today.
Nothing promiscuous. LOL. 

To God be the glory. :)

Monday, June 18, 2012

Spelling Out Life... with Reality

I welcome you in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ. :)

I hope I don't mislead all of you from the Truth that I have in my life. The truth of how He is real to me is there but it's not easy when you become a Christian. It's just NOT!

It's by far, the most challenging, mind quenching, attitude crapping, rebelling, outrageously insane faith that one could possible have in one's entire life! It is! But believing and falling in love with the one Living Lord Jesus Christ is just undeniably magnetic, loving, soul-freedom assuring, awesome and outrageously crazy fun! SERIOUS! Kid you not!

Follow my old posts since 2007, I've been downright falling into shit, yet I know the Lord is with me. I've been up in my head, there He is knocking my down a notch. I've been a stupid Christian on and off my entire life, yet He is molding me through every seasons of it. Imagine, the good times are actually more than those bad ones! You know why? God is good! He gives you the joy and grace through the bad ones, hence, good experience topples those bad ones! :) The affair my dad had before was excruciatingly painful but He was there through my godfamily, my ex and best friends. :) The joy they gave me was the joy that He wanted me to have. :) I came out of it believing in Him and correcting my father. See, who says you can't talk back to your parents? I had a chance and it made a difference! :) Praise His name for all the trials I had, even now. :) 

Oh yes, I've been posting more negative, an unlikely "Christian" way of postings, but hey, I know deep in my heart that this is a phase I'm supposed to go through. I know at the end of these, I'll learn again. I'm taking heart of the decision I've made last week. I'm stronger in Him now. I'm growing. I know I am. :) Praise Him. 

Repentance doesn't come easy but who says the same God that was resurrected on the third day of His death, isn't alive and can't do any miracles and wondrous beauty in a lowly life like me? :)

My God is good. :) I hope you're encouraged whenever you're down. The Lord is with you at all time, even you choose to look at your mistakes and faults. 


Saturday, June 16, 2012

Spelling Out Life... with Take heart

I came across the song "Take Heart" by Hillsong on Youtube yesterday evening. The lyrics spoke to me heart and I was sobbing alone in my cubicle in the library! I honestly don't know of the hurt I've given to myself and to others, it's eating me up inside and I believe that the Lord is speaking to me about letting it go. But I'm not ready to trust again. I went in the game early and I lost. I lost in a big fight. Everyone said I'm not ready and I'm not capable to play the game and here I am, I'm not going to play the game anymore. I had enough of losing this game. I can't. I'm not strong and capable. and so be it.

All our troubles

And all our tears
God our hope
He has overcome
All our failure
And all our fear
God our love
He has overcome
All our heartache
And all our pain
God our healer
He has overcome
All our burdens
And all our shame
God our freedom
He has overcome
All our troubles

Though You did but I'm far from overcoming anything. not yet Lord. I'm too weak. 

Hold on to hope
And take courage again

I'll try to hope, I'll just hope on You but not on any of these people's plannings for me. I had enough, Lord. sigh.

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Spelling Out Life.. with Blessings

Hey guys,

Just want to thank God today for giving me a good start of the day, not that any other day is bad, but today, I just found out my close friend, deedee, got a job with Jon. I'm glad that he is taking her in his production team. :) She thanked me for introducing her to Jon and I was glad God answered her prayer. :) I woke up and that's the first text I received! It's wonderful to able to help someone. :D Praise God huh!!

And the best part of all, my brunch today was paid by one of my office admins! SO HAPPY! I think I took a lot of sayur and I was really praying and got scared if I have not enough money to pay. Then Abang Fendi went behind me and asked "is that all you're eating? I pay for you la.", SO HAPPY ba me!!! HAHAHA..

Another thing, my council money got reimbursed! YEY! So happy! I got enough for the week.

Thank God for Paul in helping me financially too!

Thank You God! :D For helping me through and loving me all day through!

I'm a happy girl.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Spelling Out Life.. with God

If you ask me how much I know the Bible, I can proudly tell you I don't know much!

If you ask me who spoke of what verse in the Bible, I don't know. Honestly.

If you ask me how many titles does God have, I don't know. Only a few. HAHA..

If you ask me about the theology of Trinity, I have little to explain it to you!

If you ask me about who are Jesus' decendents, I think I'll mix the characters up!

If you ask me about the people around Jesus's life, I'll get blur and says "Maybe they are the jews? Pharisees? Disciples?".

That's how shallow I am towards the Bible.

But honestly, I love God, I know how faithful, loving, cool, funny, crazy, strict, jealous, good, kind, supportive, caring, just, discipline, protective is He to me! He is my father, friend, my pillar, my provider, teacher and shelter. God is good to me in all the shitty things I've been through. As much as I hate to admit it, he IS my REDEEMER and SAVIOUR, though I don't deserve to receive His grace. I change because of Him. I love because of Him. I cry for the lost and broken souls because of Him. I live because He died for me. I shine because of Him. I am me because He made me. I am free, though I fall. I have a purpose in life, though I screw things up. I have everything because He is with me.

that's all that I know of my daddy. He's a cool God. :)

Spelling Out Life... with Help

Help me Lord. I'm struggling inside. Every part of me is screaming and mourning over my mistakes. Help me, God.

Spelling Out Life... with Marriage?

I bet some of you heard of the stories how I wanted to get married and all. I did, once. Few months back. But I guess the whole thing kind of blew off when a huge number of people said I'm incapable of doing one. SO YES, no marriage! YEY! 

Pretty much bump out the first few weeks but I'm okay now. Right now, to me it is something where I cant afford to think about or look at. Thinking about my past somehow shattered the whole idea of purity and no point of having one when you're in that state of mind. You must be telling yourself "Joy, get over it. God redeems. He will redeem you of your heart, your mind and your soul". but I'm telling myself "He redeems, so no point of thinking about it anymore.". the end.

Not for me, I guess. No bells, no dresses, nothing. It's pretty much stressing everybody out, it brings so much of a problem. so takda la ya.

Just don't bring it up in front of my face or I'll bite your head off. HAHAHA. Just kidding. :)

Monday, June 11, 2012

Spelling Out Life.. with Confession of a Sinner

God has been good for leading me to the Book Hosea. He has been good. I'm just the stupid one that ignores Him. I guess when one confessed of their sexual past, they are too ashamed to tell it to someone close. It is that bad to confess it to someone. the holy figure that they placed on you is gone now, you are the liar and the hypocrite. So yes, I'm that liar and hypocrite. LOL. Oops. I just shattered your views on me now. Like what Liza said "You're not so innocent after all.".. Yea.

At this time around, I'm learning to overcome it. I'm learning to let it go. U know, all the sex stuff. From up there in the head to speech to actions. I've been hiding for a long long time now, thanks Michelle and Joshua for teaching me repentance. You've heard of my stories, yet you said I am able to go through it, when I feel so unclean and such a big liar to the people around me. thanks for pushing me earlier on though I chose not to listen. I chose to be stupid and stubborn. I chose to be blind. I chose to play dirty over purity. I chose shame over shamelessness. I chose death over life. I chose all these sexual immoralities over God. The God that continuously teaching me life, love, joy, peace.... that same God who is faithful, who is jealous, who is pure, holy, my shepherd, my father, my friend. I caused HIM to die on that cross. I caused HIM to be beaten. I caused HIS lungs to be stabbed. I caused HIM to come all the way down from heaven.  I cause HIM to wear that thorn. I caused HIM to sweat of blood. cry and sweat of blood. I've cried before, but not shed with blood.

God, you know my heart. You cause it to beat. You saw my pasts. You were there, hurt. Now, please have me back again. I'm sorry. Cleanse me again so that I can be closer to You and spend more time with You. Help me. Guide me and break me. I need Your help in this.

I need Your help.
Forgive me.


God, I'm cursing inside. hoping that these people around me hear me. hoping that they hear my hunger. hoping that they hear my anguish. hoping they hear my hatred towards it. im angry at it. this is useless. this is stupid. i hate it. i hate it. i hate it. God, i dont know what You want but i just wish there was nothing to begin with. I'm not learning, damn it. I'm not. I'm not. I feel 10 times stupid now. !@#@ !@## !@$#!!!!!

Hosea 5

New International Version (NIV)

Judgment Against Israel

“Hear this, you priests!
    Pay attention, you Israelites!
Listen, royal house!
    This judgment(A) is against you:
You have been a snare(B) at Mizpah,
    a net(C) spread out on Tabor.
The rebels are knee-deep in slaughter.(D)
    I will discipline all of them.(E)
I know all about Ephraim;
    Israel is not hidden(F) from me.
Ephraim, you have now turned to prostitution;
    Israel is corrupt.(G)
“Their deeds do not permit them
    to return(H) to their God.
A spirit of prostitution(I) is in their heart;
    they do not acknowledge(J) the Lord.
Israel’s arrogance testifies(K) against them;
    the Israelites, even Ephraim, stumble(L) in their sin;
    Judah also stumbles with them.(M)
When they go with their flocks and herds
    to seek the Lord,(N)
they will not find him;
    he has withdrawn(O) himself from them.
They are unfaithful(P) to the Lord;
    they give birth to illegitimate(Q) children.
When they celebrate their New Moon feasts,(R)
    he will devour[a](S) their fields.
“Sound the trumpet(T) in Gibeah,(U)
    the horn in Ramah.(V)
Raise the battle cry in Beth Aven[b];(W)
    lead on, Benjamin.
Ephraim will be laid waste(X)
    on the day of reckoning.(Y)
Among the tribes of Israel
    I proclaim what is certain.(Z)
10 Judah’s leaders are like those
    who move boundary stones.(AA)
I will pour out my wrath(AB) on them
    like a flood of water.
11 Ephraim is oppressed,
    trampled in judgment,
    intent on pursuing idols.[c](AC)
12 I am like a moth(AD) to Ephraim,
    like rot(AE) to the people of Judah.
13 When Ephraim(AF) saw his sickness,
    and Judah his sores,
then Ephraim turned to Assyria,(AG)
    and sent to the great king for help.(AH)
But he is not able to cure(AI) you,
    not able to heal your sores.(AJ)
14 For I will be like a lion(AK) to Ephraim,
    like a great lion to Judah.
I will tear them to pieces(AL) and go away;
    I will carry them off, with no one to rescue them.(AM)
15 Then I will return to my lair(AN)
    until they have borne their guilt(AO)
    and seek my face(AP)
in their misery(AQ)
    they will earnestly seek me.(AR)


and I am these people. Pray for me. Help me. Walk with me. Until I'm back with the LORD again. 

Saturday, June 9, 2012

Spelling Out Life... with Crossroads

 her shadows flicker on the ground
lost of words, directions and colours
stepping sounds fill her mind
yet none, no voices are heard.
gushing of winds and waves creeps in
demanding a heart of hers
she doesn't want to fall
not now. not now. certainly not now!
then she stops at the crossroads,
only to find a shining little coin and a few more ahead.

Spelling Out Life... with Colonization

Yesterday I wrote the crappiest essay for sociolinguistics class about British colonization and the English language that they brought into Malaya. As I wrote on the last TORTURING page (AFTER 3 DAYS OF DREADFUL TIME!), I realized something different, at least to me of course, I wrote that:

 "This may not be a form of colonization, but viewing from the bigger picture, it actually is, the nations are in the end succumbing into a more mono-language that colonizes other minor vernacular languages, the death of a language and thus a culture."

Isn't colonization a form of control over something less powerful? Ah well, I guess I'm bounded by it as well, since I'm more fluent in English, Bahasa and Mandarin than Lun Bawang and Kelabit. I feel sad though. Look at what the world is turning us into... 

Thursday, May 31, 2012

Spelling Out Life... with Refugee Home

Lord, I pray that You love continue to be their support, their strength, their joy and their provider. Open up their hearts that they will make You as their father, saviour and friend. Thank You for the burdens that You have for the teachers and pastors for these people. You are indeed a great God that provides. You are the God that lives, the God that answers prayer and have good plans for each and everyone of us. Be with them. Support them, LORD. Give them security as they have no place to go. Give them peace in their hearts. Give them LIFE. Give them grace. in Jesus name, amen.

To those who wants to ever donate to them books, colouring pencils, toys and clothes, of all age and sizes, please let me know. :) May the Lord speak to you to touch their lives. Amen.

Spelling Out Life... With A Good Read about ♥

The reason that marriage is so painful and yet wonderful is because it is a reflection of the Gospel, which is painful and wonderful at once. The Gospel is—we are more sinful and flawed in ourselves than we ever dared to believe, and at the very same time we are more loved and accepted in Jesus Christ than we ever dared hope. This is the only kind of relationship that will really transform us. Love without truth is 

sentimentality; it supports and affirms us but keeps us in 

denial about our flaws. Truth without love is harshness; it 

gives us information but in such a way that we cannot really 

hear it. God’s saving love in Christ, however, is marked by both radical truthfulness about who we are and yet also radical, unconditional commitment to us. The merciful commitment strengthens us to see the truth about ourselves and repent. The conviction and repentance moves us to cling to and rest in God’s mercy and grace.

The hard times of marriage drive us to experience more of this transforming love of God. But a good marriage will also be a place where we experience more of this kind of transforming love at a human level.

Monday, May 28, 2012

Spelling Out Life... with A Teacher's Quote

A child who... has traced over the sandpaper letters again and again for many days – perfecting something in himself – will one day consciously set out to compose words with the movable letters. First, the child creates by repetition a faculty inside himself; and then he creates something with it, outside himself. This is an experience which gives him a new kind of joy, the conscious joy of the creator.

- Maria Montessori

Spelling Out Life.... with Misses

I saw millions and millions of stars the other day and I was taken aback. It was such a beautiful scenery. Looking up to heaven and somehow your face is all I can think of. :) I miss you.

anyway, I saw this picture online somewhere and it reminded me of my trip to Pulau Pemanggil. :) The quote however, is the words that I heard in my heart when I first saw the starry scene. I hope it speaks to you as how it does to me :)

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Spelling Out Life... with Good Things

I guess I've been posting less of the good things I have going on in my life! :D So here's something good and to be thankful of.

I'm glad to have good friends. Wai Wai, the PERKEB committees, Seniors, classmates, church friends etc.

We had our moments worth remembering :) I went for pedi mani for my birthday, I cooked porridge with Paul, I bought groceries to bless Amy and Tim, I drove people around, I sent the twins to hospital with David, I had fun talking about relationship with Pr Daniel and Amy, I learnt about finance thing with Wai Wai and Amy, I cherish my relationship with Paul, I had good time with Paul's family, I went for reunion dinner with the family. :)

I'm thankful that God is building me to be ready with tons of responsibilities. Although I may be suck at some, but I'm learning. I learnt to take notes (AMAZING), I learnt to decline invitations for some occasions, I learnt to develop certain skills like acting, directing, planning etc. :D

I think I'm beginning to take things lightly now coz I finally spend time with God. :) Gosh, holiday can be a huge factor to pull you away from reality! hahahahha.. I'm now at Psalms 92. :) I miss His voice! But now, i'm learning to tune my brains back to Him. :) Aah well, that's my daddy God. :)

I'm glad that things are going into places too. :) Though there are tons of activities in the next 6 weeks, I find that God is teaching me to stay calm and take things one at a time. :)

I'm a happy girl after thinking about all the pain and struggles I'm going through now :)

Life is good. :)

Give God all the Praise and glory! The Father that protects, shelters, cares and loves me. :) What a faithful God is He. :)

Thursday, March 29, 2012

Spelling Out Life... with Sands of Time

I had a poem written for literature class this week. It was supposed to be for Ipu Beridang, my great grandma who left us last November. But little that I know, her first daughter, Kerato Daring, aka my own grandma, left us last night at 11pm. It was shocking and I thought I could see her again alive on Saturday. I had it all planned out but I was wrong. I love you, Ipu.

Here goes:

Sands of time falls in arrear
Petals dance in tears
No sight of heaven here
nor the heart is a crown.
wait, I can hear the sand finally ceases now
rest for awhile,
I'll catch on. Don't you worry.
For the sun rises and falls,
and there's grace that calls.

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Spelling Out Life... with "I'm Fine"

I welcome you in the name of Our Lord, Jesus Christ.

Right now, the term "I'm Fine" is just meaningless to me. I'm just stress over things back at home. I just want to ignore everything and yet it's just there. It's just there and I don't know how to go about it.

He gives me the positions that I'm now in and I'm really waiting for the moment when He can take me away from it all, I'm grateful but I'm really tired and burnt out. I really am, Lord.

"just a while more."

Spelling Out Life... with anything

I don't want to be anything.
I don't want to do anything.
I feel stupid and shallow.

One side I'm stamped as the lazy one.
One side I'm the not committed one.

God, I feel stupid for taking so many responsibilities. Seriously stupid. I don't know what am I doing lately. I just feel stupid

Spelling Out Life... with tired

i'm burnt out. 4th week and burnt out.

I really want to quit everything.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Spelling Out Life... with anger


I'm angry la. I've been crying inside for hours and hours. Lord, let me hold my words and say good things. Let me not bring someone down with me. :'(

Lord, I want to go out of campus. I'm stress. Please tell me I can take things day by day and there's no rush. :) Please Lord, remind me to have joy in you today.

Your mercy is new everyday. Remind me oh Lord.

Spelling Out Life... with JAKSA 2011/2012 no.2

I miss all the meetings actually. :p

Spelling Out Life... with stress

i'm stress coz of everything that I'm into now.

Lord, direct my mind to you because right now i'm honestly looking at those problems instead of you. teach me Lord to be strong.

I'm stress. :'(

him, parents, family, JAKSA, PERKEB and assignments are giving me this HUGE stress. :'(

I cannot do all these Lord. I cannot. :'(

Look unto the Lord for He is the source of strenght. He is the joy.

Spelling Out Life... with My 22nd Birthday

I receive you with love from the Lord Jesus Christ! :)

It was perfect I'd say.


At midnight, Paul, Wai Wai, Jian, Alyssa, Grace, Ben, Rachel and Raymond surprised me from the room till Dataran Gemilang! I was caked = Floured, egg-ed, watered.

In the morning, my new friend Sathia gave me a flower as my birthday gift. I had lunch with my new friends, Nurul and Syalabiah.

At night, I got to spend time with Paul, Wai Wai, Alyssa, Grace, Rowen, Shellyn, Christina and David in TGIFriday's. :)

It was perfect. :)

Thank you Daddy God. :)

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Spelling Out Life... with a step closer

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ!

I got the offer letter to the Kursus Kepimpinan Pelajar!


If you're wondering why it matters to me, let me tell you, IT IS! hahahaha!!!

If you're wondering what on earth is it, let me kindly tell you, it's a requirement for anyone who plans to run for campus election!!!!


It'll be on Friday til Sunday noon!!! Yey! Yey! Yey! :D

I'm happy. :D My second pre-birthday gift from the Lord! :D

Spelling Out Life... with My 22nd!

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ!


We have come to the week of my last days of being 21! YEY! Initially, I wanted to go to Port dickson on Sunday and have picnic but I have the closing ceremony at 4 til 6pm. (T.T) That is a huge bummer.... sigh. I thought of planning to have a close family friends outing but the stupid closing ceremony is at stupid hours. (T.T) Well, If I can't get that at all, I just settle for makan. sad wei, dah la tak dapat go picnic, kasi gemuk diri sendiri lagi tu. HAHAHAAHAH... still sad coz my plan sucks and fails. now you know why i never plan 3months earlier or 3 weeks before an actual date! I guess, I just want a tub of green ice cream from Baskin Robbin, a large Matcha Red Bean from Chatime, makan dinner time with close friends and family with a tiny slice of Green Tea Cheese Cake. I cant wait to buy them on Sunday and make myself fat!!! hahahaahahahah!!! Nothing much that I want anymore, i LOVE GREEN TEA and RED BEAN, kidding, I have a great boyfriend who annoys me less by the day (yey for both!), great friends who takes care of me everyday, great parents that talk to me almost everyday and yea, a great God, Jesus Christ. :)

The road for the past year has been a tremendous ride for me and My Daddy God.
Jesus has taught me the meaning about serving the people, He has taught me the meaning about love and commitment, He has taught me the meaning about friendship and He has taught me how He is the Lord of Lords and the King of Kings.

I find that I've lived a great 361 days for the past one year. Through the breakdowns, I know Jesus was the one who picked me up, through the accomplishment, I know Jesus was the one who pushed me forward, through the stubbornness, I know Jesus was the one who taught me well.


How great is my God. =)


this year,

I just pray that You'll continue to break my heart that breaks yours, let Your glory be seen through me, speak to me when I'm stubborn, teach me when I'm being a fool, walk with me throughout the year, give me wisdom in the way I speak, give me unending love so that Your love is seen, support me when I'm down, carry me when I'm tired, give me joy when I'm weary, give me peace when I'm shaken, strengthen me when I'm weak, open up opportunities for me to grow in any areas that need growth, open up opportunity for me to expand my horizon in education and politics, draw people of different lives to speak to me, bring me down when I forget your Grace, remind me when I forget that You are my Savior and lift me up like Prophet Nehemiah. Let this be a year of Nehemiah for me, Lord. A year of Abrahamic has past, let me plant and establish something new this year. I believe I have what it takes to go forth because You placed it there long before I have it, Lord. May Your will be done in my life as it is in Heaven. Amen.

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Spelling Out Life... with ANNOYANCE

I find my junior is getting on my nerves.

I know I'm an annoying person up front but she deliberately annoys me cause I told her off about her character few days ago. Now, for payback, she finds every loophole that I do and put shits in it. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cuba ka take it in like an adult kalau orang tegur. Ni tidak, makin lagi make things worst. I feel like screaming at her!


Friday, February 24, 2012

Spelling Out Life... with money

i think I shall start my blog post with some bible verse. :) Not to show how holy I am as a person, but to remind myself about Him for I've been such a forgetful daughter of His.

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ!
I hereby, Joy, still am finding putting behind lust of flesh a huge struggle. Lust of money is one of it. (I'll speak more about other lusts some other time)

Lust of money somehow places me on a pedestal of how vulnerable I am without it, rather than faith itself. I honestly say the level of commitment in my current relationship is also based on it. Not to say that I'm like Paris Hilton or anak Dato' that spends on Guess, Charles and Keith or Coach products every month, but I still wish that The BF have a secure income and provide me a security of stable finance monthly. I guess it's a typical girl thing to hope for stability in finance and not lose out on current trends huh?

Until last wednesday, someone challenged me to see beyond financial stability on this earth. Brother Mark and his wife ministered to us tremendously, i might add, that commitment to love and grow for His glory as a couple should be the ultimate goal for the The BF and I, because only then, the phrase "for better and for worst" will make sense to both of us. Won't it be weird if one says to be together forever, for the better part of life but not long down the road, he/she flees when the worst time aka family breakdown happened? If financial stability is the key that makes me hold on to him and HIM, instead of THE GOAL, I guess I failed as a partner and as a Christian believer. Never worship anything else other than HIM alone.

hmmm.. Writing this down is really breaking parts of my heart and I know why. Financial stability has been one of the cores in my life and it's not easy to let it go and see how far God will bring me.

...God, I'm sorry. :'(

It's unimaginably hard, God. Not being able to have what others may have, being scared that I'll learn to compare my married life with others', being scared that I'll not be happy just to have You in my life.

"...What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul? Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul?"

I'm sorry Lord. Teach me again. Bring me back to You. For I really don't want to forfeit my soul over earthly stability and lose You as my Father. Teach me to be glad in You in any sorts of financial breakdown. Teach me to be close to You, I pray, amen.

"...What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul?"

Joy, what good is it to lose your soul? Have you not learnt that My ways are not of the world's? Have you not remembered that My ways are beyond the fears that you carry? Let not you lose your footings in this world and forget My providence and grace that is extended to you through Jesus Christ. Let you not forget the faithfulness I've given you for the past days of your life. Let you not forget of the blessings I've given you for the past days of your life. Let not you forget of the love I've given to you through Lord Jesus Christ. Let not you forget My Words for they are true and alive, and I know you remember each and every thing that I've shown you. and I know you remember them now. Count every blessings and multiply them by ten, that's how big is My love for you in your future. I'll never leave you nor forsake you. Call upon my name and I'm here with you. Emmanuel, Abba Father.