Spelling Out Life... with "I'm Fine"

I welcome you in the name of Our Lord, Jesus Christ.

:)

Right now, the term "I'm Fine" is just meaningless to me. I'm just stress over things back at home. I just want to ignore everything and yet it's just there. It's just there and I don't know how to go about it.

He gives me the positions that I'm now in and I'm really waiting for the moment when He can take me away from it all, I'm grateful but I'm really tired and burnt out. I really am, Lord.

"just a while more."

Spelling Out Life... with anything

I don't want to be anything.

I don't want to do anything.

I feel stupid and shallow.

One side I'm stamped as the lazy one.

One side I'm the not committed one.

God, I feel stupid for taking so many responsibilities. Seriously stupid. I don't know what am I doing lately. I just feel stupid

Spelling Out Life... with tired

i'm burnt out. 4th week and burnt out.

I really want to quit everything.

Spelling Out Life... with anger

T.T

I'm angry la. I've been crying inside for hours and hours. Lord, let me hold my words and say good things. Let me not bring someone down with me. :'(

Lord, I want to go out of campus. I'm stress. Please tell me I can take things day by day and there's no rush. :) Please Lord, remind me to have joy in you today.

Your mercy is new everyday. Remind me oh Lord.

Spelling Out Life... with stress

i'm stress coz of everything that I'm into now.

Lord, direct my mind to you because right now i'm honestly looking at those problems instead of you. teach me Lord to be strong.

I'm stress. :'(

him, parents, family, JAKSA, PERKEB and assignments are giving me this HUGE stress. :'(

I cannot do all these Lord. I cannot. :'(

Look unto the Lord for He is the source of strenght. He is the joy.

Spelling Out Life... with Emo Period

I'm stressing out over unnecessary issue. Why? I haven't gotten my period for a long long time now. AND NO, it has nothing to do with me being pregnant!

And guess what, I just found out I was born alongside a frigging tumor in the womb! LOL... I think I'll be dead in my mum's womb if my body isn't strong. Hah! Thank GOD!!!! LOL..

so yes, at the end of the day, I inherited my mum's period and I'll be having it until I get my menopause. T.T Sad ba... on top of being less emotional to people around me, people will surely think I have sex just cause I have a boyfriend hence, the no-period thing. T.T I shall gladly say no to that assumption, for I respect our Lord's command of no sex before marriage. the end to that. BUT, I'M STILL SAD COZ I INHERITED MY MUM'S PERIOD....... I was growing alongside a frigging tumor for 9 months!!!!!! wth. you see, if she has it, most likely I'll face the same thing! AND she got operated a month just to remove the tumor after i was born! I wasn't a breast-milked kid! you see! T.T

SOOOOOO SADD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I feel like a retard. an emotional retard that doesn't have any hormone in her ovaries. T.T

SOOOOOOOO SAD!!!

i wanna cry.

:(

DADDY God, whatever it is, please make cycle normal? thanks. :( I emo dy... :(

Spelling Out Life... with Home

meh.

i want to fly in an airplane. go somewhere.

Spelling Out Life... with home

i want to go home.

I can't sleep after a whole day singing songs in CEO Neway in Fahrenheit88 in Bukit Bintang area. I miss flying back "home". I just miss the idea of going back to my hometown. sigh.

Spelling Out Life... with Fats

I'm big fat and huge. thank you.

aside from that thought being fed in my head. I'm frigging stress out over JAKSA. I want to cry. I know I have to learn to handle management, be more frigging organized and be frigging ready for things, but right now I feel so inadequate. I FEEL SO #@%q#@%#@% pissed at myself for not being able to train my brains to take things lightly and enjoy the whole @#%$#@ process. I'm pissed at myself for not being #@$@#%#% organized and slow. I'm picking things up slowly. I suck.

I want to eat all those slimming pills and be uber skinny like everyone else. At the end of the day, looks carry yourself further in the world.

#$$#@@%#$%!@#$!@#@%$#@%$

@#$@#$@#%#%@#$

i'm just stupid. fat. ugly. really dumb.

I just want to be alone. screw you.

i'm pissed.

i'm never good enough for you.

$#@^%^*^&(&!@#

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i'll be fine. I'm just pissed off at myself for JAKSA's stuff.

responsibility is never fun. #@$%!@ IT! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i'M STRESS. thank you.

i really feel so #@%$^@^3 up!

Spelling Out Life... with PERKEB Seniors

hah!

I'm emotional now. Period is here, what to do. Anyway, memandangkan saya tengah emotional, I shall post an emotional post. T.T (sedih sudah)

To all my seniors:

1. Su-Jian Koay:

You've been so great to me. Thank you for being cool when I nearly cried in the car. LOL. I'll never forget that part. (T.T) Thank you for the emotional and spiritual support the whole 2 years that I've known you. You're one awesome senior that cooks, counsels, jokes around, wise and protects. Always remember that you are AWWEEEESOOMMMEEEEEEE (barney, HIMYM).

2. Caroline Lee:

The senior of the same species, I look up to as a big sister... Thank you for your love, support, concern, lame jokes, weird driving, great laughter, hospitality and your prayer. You are one beautiful woman, a full grown woman who knows what she wants in life. Live up to your calling, kay. Because His work in you is still moving and working for the whole world to know Him.

3. Benjamin Chan:

A subtle character but a strong faith you have there. Thank you for blessing me with your listening ears, support, care, hospitality and love. I see that the Lord has been faithful to you, just speak forth of His grace and faithfulness to those who haven't heard Him. He will carry you through the words that He has prepared for them. Just know that He will finish what He has first called you to be.

4. Isabel Lo:

the woman with a knowledgeable mind and a loving heart. Thank you for your companionship and love throughout the whole 2 years of knowing you. I love our crazy and sad moments together. Thank you for supporting me emotionally with your mum's amazing story back in first year. Thank you for being just great in helping me building up the characters of the junior debaters. Thank you for being you when we're together. You are one beautiful character that He always use in the littlest thing you do. Be daring in being different, that's all that I can say. Just be daring.

5. Davin:

loud crazy one, hehe. Thank you for faithfully serving me when I first came to UKM, bringing me to church and all. Thank you for the heart-to-heart session in the van. that is priceless. You are priceless. continue to be faithful because you are meant to be one.

6. Evon:

lol. i doubt that you read this but i'm glad that you have blessed me with your funny comments about so many things! thank you for your love stories... heheehheheheeheh....

7. Danny:

orang lawak. hahaahahaha.. jum kita lagu HSM time karaoke lagi! hahaahahahahaahah.. thank you for always bringing out the life out of everyone! you are the joy of the place where He puts you to be.

8. Taiko:

You are one faithful character. Seek and you will find. Open up your heart and never doubt. A faithful man will just live by faith and know that he is in good hand. You have an abundant future, always believe in it. thank you for always being there for me. thank you for loving me as a sister. thank you for always lighten up my day with your random comments. :) Don't forget our pinky promise!!!!!

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to all the UKM seniors, thank you for your presence in my life. to the names I've not mentioned, I cant write more. Crying badly now. Thank you.

thank you.

I pray that the Good Lord will always break you and mold you and also discipline you and love you. I pray that He will strengthen you and give you all the wisdom that you need for your future undertakings. I pray that you continue to walk with Him and bless Him with whatever that He has given you. I love you guys with my heart and soul. You are my blessings. You are my treasures and I thank Him for all the moments we have had together. Thank You Lord Jesus for all the beautiful souls that You have blessed me.

Amen.

Spelling Out Life... with damn relationships

friendships are hard to keep. it's just a willing heart to go the distance to listen to the most shallow part of the other person's shallowest phase in life. that's all.

girl, it's okay. it's just a transition period. just love me as how you equally love those that are around you. I'm shallow. i know.

one thing after another. joy + relationships = never ending dramas. !@$!@#$%^@#~(%(*%^

friends after friends leaving.

but I wont, not on you.

again, I'm shallow. i'm sorry.

no, this post is not about him. the end.

Spelling Out Life... with Day 22 - 1

I'm covering a baby dumping issue for an assignment right now.

I'm torn emotionally. I'm attached to this issue more than I ever imagine, when I initially started it. God, why do people have the guts to throw away the life that they themselves make? Why can't they choose to live with the joy and the life that can turn their life around? It hurts me, God. It hurts me, oh Lord. Finding the perfect solutions for all these cases. I can't, Lord. I have limitations. I have limitations. I try to cover certain aspects yet there are 50/50 chances of people will take things for granted or just repent from doing it. I'm out of ideas Lord. I really am. God, the answer for all these solutions is knowing You as their Personal Lord and Saviour. Yet, i'm being stupid now that I have to make knowing You as a practical action to help the country.

Why did I agree to my classmates when they propose this idea to me?????????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Desire for the day:

I wanna change topic. I'm broken to get into deep into this issue. This is wrong....

Spelling Out Life... with Disappointments

Shoving people expectations and then wrecking it in the end was what I did.

Showing signs of moving on and actually doing it is what I'm doing.

Seeking God in the midst of it all and practicing what I do is what I'm doing now.

I'm just a little disappointed in some people, that's all.

It has been my fault from the start, I admit it.

But I never knew you of all people never approach me after my mistakes!

Yes, I made stupid decisions, I never knew I'm now the stranger in your eyes.

Yes, a stranger.

It has been 16 days of New Year and you never once said "Hie Joy, how are you?" or even "Happy New Year" OR POKE ME on FB for goodness sake! Thank YOU for the moral support by not supporting me ever since.

Appreciation Note

Thank God for UKM seniors and some close MIRI-UKM-JOHOR-ICC friends who are kind enough to deal with my random character and they still have a wee hope in me that I'll change certain ways of how I carry myself, you know. They know certain steps I take are considered stupid now but they just advice me now and then just to kick the sense out of me, but hey, that's more than what I've prayed for! I learn every now and then, I see things from different perspective now and then; But the best part of all, I know I'm growing and I approach things differently now because of their supports and love. I thank God for every cautious minds on me! At least I know I still have a space in their heads. At least I know they won't forsake and leave me alone when I might or might not do stupid things again. At least I know they still care despite of it all. At least I'm no stranger.

:)

Thank you. I'll wait and count until the day you say hie. :)

Even if you do say hie after reading this post, I'll treat you the same as before. Don't worry. You're not a stranger to me coz the whole time, you are family.

Spelling Out Life... with Ngong-ness

AAHHHHHHH...

I'm bumped out. MOHE is giving out scholarship this week and I screwed last sem's result badly. I wanna cry. :(((

I'm sad.

I'm stressed out.

I want that scholarship.

so does everyone else. :(

but they have way higher chances to get it. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Spelling Out Life... with patience

ever since NC, God really is teaching me patience badly.

He brought me crazy people like Paul, Varreni, my parents, my classmates and so many more.

now, i'm sad.

patient.

yes.

why do people leave when you're on the brink of cloud nine? why does God make people leave? to find how important they are and not take them for granted? geez, it's just few months away, so i should snap out of it. *snapping away* haha.

one thing, i'm glad we're off the mobile connection. now, i'm back to square one of silent period. LOL. EYESONTHELORD, joy. EYESONTHELORD! hahaahahaahah.. God is so funny. My God is so funny. He just gives me enough to make me happy and not make me go crazy over something.

---------------------------------------------

I think i made the worst announcement just now.

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I'm happy. a little.

-------------------------------------------

i think kan, i'm worried/sad over something now. I don't know what is it.

---------------------------------------------

i might have infection in my left eye.

-------------------------------------------

I think i'm going to have a tearful semester. for some reason i have the feeling i would.

-------------------------------------------

I'm sad now. It's just Singapore. but why am i making such a big deal out of it?

-------------------------------------------

Lord, please help me stop thinking bout it? please.

sigh.

------------------------------------------

the eye drop is scary. painful. i feel numb.

listening to Dancing With My Father is making me sadder. LOL.

Every night I fall asleep, this is all I ever dream. :(

Spelling Out Life... with Mehhhhhhhhh

This post is ultimately lame. LOL.



My dream Guy
___________


cute and cuddly.



hahhahahahahaha...





told you its lame. I'm emotionless. I fear commitment so don't ever speak about me getting into a relationship anytime soon. I wonder why I even was in 2 before. Stupid child. Coz it's for smart people. Hahaahahahahah.. I fear falling in and out of love too. I miss him badly but I don't need any male supporters. right. I just want attention and it can be solved easily. right. The end. I just realized this thing won't cut out for me. uhuh. I'm just being emotional now. mehhhhhh...





Told you this post is lame.
XD

Spelling Out Life... with I Wont Even Start Lyric

What happened
after last summer
when we broke up
in September

I havent seen you
Feels like a long time
Sometimes it still hurts
But I always get by

I still got a piece of you under my skin
Its always there no matter where Ive been

So if I ever see you on the street
Ill pretend that I didnt see
And turn my face
No use in small talk anyways

Because if I look into your eyes
Then Ill have to say goodbye
And thatll break my heart
So I wont even start
I wont even start

I wish you luck
And I wish it true
Thats the best
I can do for you

Cuz youll probably find love
In someone new
I have to let go
Yeah its hard to do

So if I run into you with your arm by his side
Just know itll cut me like a knife

So if I ever see you on the street
Ill pretend that I didnt see
And turn my face
No use in small talk anyways

Because if I look into your eyes
Then Ill have to say goodbye
And thatll break my heart
So I wont even start
I wont even start

For some reason, this song really hits me. I'm still learning to let time passes by rather fast and learn to not remember although you're still in the head. ALL THE TIME. So yeah, perfect song for now.





"Because if I look into your eyes
Then Ill have to say goodbye
And thatll break my heart
So I wont even start"
- David Choi

:(

Spelling Out Life... with Heartbeats

your heartbeat. I miss dearly.

Spelling Out Life... with Parents

I guess some parents are too caught up with so many problems that they just walk pass the blessings that their children give to them. It happens everywhere, trust me. Some parents would see the bad side of the kids more than the good things they do. Need me to entertain your humor? Let's put the kid in a drunkard scene and then put the kid in a sweeping-the-floor scene. Which one would the parents remember most? I'd choose the drunkard scene anytime, agree with me no?

hmmm

I guess some parents are too caught up with so many works until they hear what the kids are saying on their mouth yet never listen enough to know their heart. Please, I'm being subjective here, I'm not in a place to judge cause I have no kids, that's true. No kids so you think that I won't understand the difference. heh. Nonetheless, I find some parents are just too clouded with gloomy days that when kids say some things, they never really think it through. To them, it's not a problem.



Dear parents out there,

Can you please attend your kids' graduation no matter what your kids may say? Just because they say "oh, it's okay. I don't mind", don't buy it. We kids mind. MIND BIG TIME. hello, we study for a heck of long time to leave the school, you spent half a million on us studying and you are not there to watch us graduate, that's the worst thing you could do to your kid. trust me. Imagine if we never invite you to our wedding and that feeling you have is exactly how it feels like when you miss our graduation day. I'm not kidding.










K la,
that's all about it,
from a heart of a brokenhearted daughter.

Spelling Out Life... with sadness

i'm emotional now.

I wanna go back home. But I cant. dad says he dont wanna waste money.

I AM EFFFINNNNNGGGGG SAD.

I made my friend angry.

I cant help my friends with their quarrel.

I hate seeing them quarrel.

I dislike being in UKM nowadays.

I wanna go to the beach.

I despise everything foolish about me.

I find that I'm far from a wise person.

I love him. But i'm being unfair.

I miss him. But I miss you.

I miss her. and I miss you.

When will i go back.



Let me give you my schedule.

Last paper of exam: 10 Nov.

Jakarta trip: 12-24th.

National Conference: 29th -4Dec.

College Dinner-Family day Preparation Camp: 13th-19thdec.

Semester reopens 19th Dec until End of April 2011.






when will my period comes? stupid cycle.
I miss my roommate. yes.