Sunday, June 24, 2012

Spelling Out Life... with The Lord's Call

Hey guys, how are ya?


I've been having some quiet time lately, it has been good. :) Today, I've read the book of Haggai coz that's what He wants me to learn from. From the utter painful cane from book of Hosea, He reminds me about His forgiveness and grace that He wants me to have after a long time. A few verses stroke my mind as I spent time with Him.

Haggai 1:1-12

This is what the Lord Almighty says: “Give careful thought to your ways. Go up into the mountains and bring down timber and build my house, so that I may take pleasure in it and be honored,” says the Lord. “You expected much, but see, it turned out to be little. What you brought home, I blew away. Why?” declares the Lord Almighty. “Because of my house, which remains a ruin, while each of you is busy with your own house. 10 Therefore, because of you the heavens have withheld their dew and the earth its crops. 11 I called for a drought on the fields and the mountains, on the grain, the new wine, the olive oil and everything else the ground produces, on people and livestock, and on all the labor of your hands.”

He constantly reminded me of "give careful thought to your ways" and "because of my house, which remains a ruin, while each of you is busy with your own house". It took me a second to know that I've been such a slack in His ways, which all of you have known. I know I'm not going to be best at keeping my mouth shut or be less like a kid, but I guess, everybody needs to start from somewhere. I also learnt that God wants so much of His temple to be there, which is in us, that pure loving relationship that He so very want to have, but it was in ruin because we are so busy with everything outside this relationship of His. We want our own home, a place of security, to be a place where we design, we forge, we create and it's all about US, our selfish self, that we leave behind His temple, and we constantly and independently grow on our own strength to build a security for ourself, just plain forgetting the only place He wants to dwell in. 

and one thing I'm still not done praying is due to this verse. I still can't get around it. It was speaking so loud  that I know He spoke to me though still don't know what it means. 

Haggai 2:23

“‘On that day,’ declares the Lord Almighty, ‘I will take you, my servant Zerubbabel son of Shealtiel,’ declares the Lord, ‘and I will make you like my signet ring, for I have chosen you,’ declares the Lord Almighty.”

I am not doubtful of what will happen in the next adventure I face but rest assured, He will take me to another level of faith. I will be that joy and grace that He will be proud of because I am His own. :) 

For I have forgotten the ways that You want me to have, restore in me the heart to be passionate for this land, the people and for Your words. This is what You have called me for and flame it back, Lord. 

That's about it today.
Nothing promiscuous. LOL. 

To God be the glory. :)

Monday, June 18, 2012

Spelling Out Life... with Reality

I welcome you in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ. :)

I hope I don't mislead all of you from the Truth that I have in my life. The truth of how He is real to me is there but it's not easy when you become a Christian. It's just NOT!

It's by far, the most challenging, mind quenching, attitude crapping, rebelling, outrageously insane faith that one could possible have in one's entire life! It is! But believing and falling in love with the one Living Lord Jesus Christ is just undeniably magnetic, loving, soul-freedom assuring, awesome and outrageously crazy fun! SERIOUS! Kid you not!

Follow my old posts since 2007, I've been downright falling into shit, yet I know the Lord is with me. I've been up in my head, there He is knocking my down a notch. I've been a stupid Christian on and off my entire life, yet He is molding me through every seasons of it. Imagine, the good times are actually more than those bad ones! You know why? God is good! He gives you the joy and grace through the bad ones, hence, good experience topples those bad ones! :) The affair my dad had before was excruciatingly painful but He was there through my godfamily, my ex and best friends. :) The joy they gave me was the joy that He wanted me to have. :) I came out of it believing in Him and correcting my father. See, who says you can't talk back to your parents? I had a chance and it made a difference! :) Praise His name for all the trials I had, even now. :) 

Oh yes, I've been posting more negative, an unlikely "Christian" way of postings, but hey, I know deep in my heart that this is a phase I'm supposed to go through. I know at the end of these, I'll learn again. I'm taking heart of the decision I've made last week. I'm stronger in Him now. I'm growing. I know I am. :) Praise Him. 

Repentance doesn't come easy but who says the same God that was resurrected on the third day of His death, isn't alive and can't do any miracles and wondrous beauty in a lowly life like me? :)

My God is good. :) I hope you're encouraged whenever you're down. The Lord is with you at all time, even you choose to look at your mistakes and faults. 


Saturday, June 16, 2012

Spelling Out Life... with Take heart

I came across the song "Take Heart" by Hillsong on Youtube yesterday evening. The lyrics spoke to me heart and I was sobbing alone in my cubicle in the library! I honestly don't know of the hurt I've given to myself and to others, it's eating me up inside and I believe that the Lord is speaking to me about letting it go. But I'm not ready to trust again. I went in the game early and I lost. I lost in a big fight. Everyone said I'm not ready and I'm not capable to play the game and here I am, I'm not going to play the game anymore. I had enough of losing this game. I can't. I'm not strong and capable. and so be it.

All our troubles

And all our tears
God our hope
He has overcome
All our failure
And all our fear
God our love
He has overcome
All our heartache
And all our pain
God our healer
He has overcome
All our burdens
And all our shame
God our freedom
He has overcome
All our troubles

Though You did but I'm far from overcoming anything. not yet Lord. I'm too weak. 

Hold on to hope
And take courage again

I'll try to hope, I'll just hope on You but not on any of these people's plannings for me. I had enough, Lord. sigh.

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Spelling Out Life.. with Blessings

Hey guys,

Just want to thank God today for giving me a good start of the day, not that any other day is bad, but today, I just found out my close friend, deedee, got a job with Jon. I'm glad that he is taking her in his production team. :) She thanked me for introducing her to Jon and I was glad God answered her prayer. :) I woke up and that's the first text I received! It's wonderful to able to help someone. :D Praise God huh!!

And the best part of all, my brunch today was paid by one of my office admins! SO HAPPY! I think I took a lot of sayur and I was really praying and got scared if I have not enough money to pay. Then Abang Fendi went behind me and asked "is that all you're eating? I pay for you la.", SO HAPPY ba me!!! HAHAHA..

Another thing, my council money got reimbursed! YEY! So happy! I got enough for the week.

Thank God for Paul in helping me financially too!

Thank You God! :D For helping me through and loving me all day through!

I'm a happy girl.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Spelling Out Life.. with God

If you ask me how much I know the Bible, I can proudly tell you I don't know much!

If you ask me who spoke of what verse in the Bible, I don't know. Honestly.

If you ask me how many titles does God have, I don't know. Only a few. HAHA..

If you ask me about the theology of Trinity, I have little to explain it to you!

If you ask me about who are Jesus' decendents, I think I'll mix the characters up!

If you ask me about the people around Jesus's life, I'll get blur and says "Maybe they are the jews? Pharisees? Disciples?".

That's how shallow I am towards the Bible.

But honestly, I love God, I know how faithful, loving, cool, funny, crazy, strict, jealous, good, kind, supportive, caring, just, discipline, protective is He to me! He is my father, friend, my pillar, my provider, teacher and shelter. God is good to me in all the shitty things I've been through. As much as I hate to admit it, he IS my REDEEMER and SAVIOUR, though I don't deserve to receive His grace. I change because of Him. I love because of Him. I cry for the lost and broken souls because of Him. I live because He died for me. I shine because of Him. I am me because He made me. I am free, though I fall. I have a purpose in life, though I screw things up. I have everything because He is with me.

that's all that I know of my daddy. He's a cool God. :)

Spelling Out Life... with Help

Help me Lord. I'm struggling inside. Every part of me is screaming and mourning over my mistakes. Help me, God.

Spelling Out Life... with Marriage?

I bet some of you heard of the stories how I wanted to get married and all. I did, once. Few months back. But I guess the whole thing kind of blew off when a huge number of people said I'm incapable of doing one. SO YES, no marriage! YEY! 

Pretty much bump out the first few weeks but I'm okay now. Right now, to me it is something where I cant afford to think about or look at. Thinking about my past somehow shattered the whole idea of purity and no point of having one when you're in that state of mind. You must be telling yourself "Joy, get over it. God redeems. He will redeem you of your heart, your mind and your soul". but I'm telling myself "He redeems, so no point of thinking about it anymore.". the end.

Not for me, I guess. No bells, no dresses, nothing. It's pretty much stressing everybody out, it brings so much of a problem. so takda la ya.

Just don't bring it up in front of my face or I'll bite your head off. HAHAHA. Just kidding. :)

Monday, June 11, 2012

Spelling Out Life.. with Confession of a Sinner

God has been good for leading me to the Book Hosea. He has been good. I'm just the stupid one that ignores Him. I guess when one confessed of their sexual past, they are too ashamed to tell it to someone close. It is that bad to confess it to someone. the holy figure that they placed on you is gone now, you are the liar and the hypocrite. So yes, I'm that liar and hypocrite. LOL. Oops. I just shattered your views on me now. Like what Liza said "You're not so innocent after all.".. Yea.

At this time around, I'm learning to overcome it. I'm learning to let it go. U know, all the sex stuff. From up there in the head to speech to actions. I've been hiding for a long long time now, thanks Michelle and Joshua for teaching me repentance. You've heard of my stories, yet you said I am able to go through it, when I feel so unclean and such a big liar to the people around me. thanks for pushing me earlier on though I chose not to listen. I chose to be stupid and stubborn. I chose to be blind. I chose to play dirty over purity. I chose shame over shamelessness. I chose death over life. I chose all these sexual immoralities over God. The God that continuously teaching me life, love, joy, peace.... that same God who is faithful, who is jealous, who is pure, holy, my shepherd, my father, my friend. I caused HIM to die on that cross. I caused HIM to be beaten. I caused HIS lungs to be stabbed. I caused HIM to come all the way down from heaven.  I cause HIM to wear that thorn. I caused HIM to sweat of blood. cry and sweat of blood. I've cried before, but not shed with blood.

God, you know my heart. You cause it to beat. You saw my pasts. You were there, hurt. Now, please have me back again. I'm sorry. Cleanse me again so that I can be closer to You and spend more time with You. Help me. Guide me and break me. I need Your help in this.

I need Your help.
Forgive me.


God, I'm cursing inside. hoping that these people around me hear me. hoping that they hear my hunger. hoping that they hear my anguish. hoping they hear my hatred towards it. im angry at it. this is useless. this is stupid. i hate it. i hate it. i hate it. God, i dont know what You want but i just wish there was nothing to begin with. I'm not learning, damn it. I'm not. I'm not. I feel 10 times stupid now. !@#@ !@## !@$#!!!!!

Hosea 5

New International Version (NIV)

Judgment Against Israel

“Hear this, you priests!
    Pay attention, you Israelites!
Listen, royal house!
    This judgment(A) is against you:
You have been a snare(B) at Mizpah,
    a net(C) spread out on Tabor.
The rebels are knee-deep in slaughter.(D)
    I will discipline all of them.(E)
I know all about Ephraim;
    Israel is not hidden(F) from me.
Ephraim, you have now turned to prostitution;
    Israel is corrupt.(G)
“Their deeds do not permit them
    to return(H) to their God.
A spirit of prostitution(I) is in their heart;
    they do not acknowledge(J) the Lord.
Israel’s arrogance testifies(K) against them;
    the Israelites, even Ephraim, stumble(L) in their sin;
    Judah also stumbles with them.(M)
When they go with their flocks and herds
    to seek the Lord,(N)
they will not find him;
    he has withdrawn(O) himself from them.
They are unfaithful(P) to the Lord;
    they give birth to illegitimate(Q) children.
When they celebrate their New Moon feasts,(R)
    he will devour[a](S) their fields.
“Sound the trumpet(T) in Gibeah,(U)
    the horn in Ramah.(V)
Raise the battle cry in Beth Aven[b];(W)
    lead on, Benjamin.
Ephraim will be laid waste(X)
    on the day of reckoning.(Y)
Among the tribes of Israel
    I proclaim what is certain.(Z)
10 Judah’s leaders are like those
    who move boundary stones.(AA)
I will pour out my wrath(AB) on them
    like a flood of water.
11 Ephraim is oppressed,
    trampled in judgment,
    intent on pursuing idols.[c](AC)
12 I am like a moth(AD) to Ephraim,
    like rot(AE) to the people of Judah.
13 When Ephraim(AF) saw his sickness,
    and Judah his sores,
then Ephraim turned to Assyria,(AG)
    and sent to the great king for help.(AH)
But he is not able to cure(AI) you,
    not able to heal your sores.(AJ)
14 For I will be like a lion(AK) to Ephraim,
    like a great lion to Judah.
I will tear them to pieces(AL) and go away;
    I will carry them off, with no one to rescue them.(AM)
15 Then I will return to my lair(AN)
    until they have borne their guilt(AO)
    and seek my face(AP)
in their misery(AQ)
    they will earnestly seek me.(AR)


and I am these people. Pray for me. Help me. Walk with me. Until I'm back with the LORD again. 

Saturday, June 9, 2012

Spelling Out Life... with Crossroads

 her shadows flicker on the ground
lost of words, directions and colours
stepping sounds fill her mind
yet none, no voices are heard.
gushing of winds and waves creeps in
demanding a heart of hers
she doesn't want to fall
not now. not now. certainly not now!
then she stops at the crossroads,
only to find a shining little coin and a few more ahead.

Spelling Out Life... with Colonization

Yesterday I wrote the crappiest essay for sociolinguistics class about British colonization and the English language that they brought into Malaya. As I wrote on the last TORTURING page (AFTER 3 DAYS OF DREADFUL TIME!), I realized something different, at least to me of course, I wrote that:

 "This may not be a form of colonization, but viewing from the bigger picture, it actually is, the nations are in the end succumbing into a more mono-language that colonizes other minor vernacular languages, the death of a language and thus a culture."

Isn't colonization a form of control over something less powerful? Ah well, I guess I'm bounded by it as well, since I'm more fluent in English, Bahasa and Mandarin than Lun Bawang and Kelabit. I feel sad though. Look at what the world is turning us into...