Monday, April 11, 2016

Spelling Out Life... With Brokenness and Redemptions

Hey.. I'm back for a while.

Lately I've been experiencing a ride of emotional journey. But it could not have been better. I know I made all the mistakes that I've done. I've broken several hearts and hurt some egos along the ways. I too have not shed my weights.

I broke the heart of another. We fought over principles, I wanted her to not get into deeper shit, I wanted her to make the right choices in life, I wanted her to not get further hurt, I wanted her to stay good, I have had high expectations on her all these while and I wanted it to stay that way. But I broke her heart, I was angry, I wasn't the one she trusted, I felt disappointed, I felt provoked, I was downcasted, I was heartbroken, I felt small and I felt that some part of me died and I've cursed her and everything she has and will have. I was controlling her choices and I let my expectations broke my heart. It was my mistake. I was holding on to a false hope and I wanted to control it. I wanted to know that I still have a part of my life still intact or at least hope that it was the only thing left good in that part of my life. I was indeed stupid for having that highest expectations! So yes, I  was wrong. I was leaning so much on my understanding, my strength and my foolish foolish mind.

And yet, Isn't it beautiful how God wants us to draw our hearts to Him and not onto men and this happen?

Bet you are thinking, do I still want to forgive her? Hard question. My close friend reminded me to not struggle with forgiveness and not to expect forgiveness to happen immediately when hearts are still broken and hurt. Deep down inside I know I will eventually forgive because I don't think I have the capacity to be angry at anyone for a long time. Right now I can only pray for healing in  my heart, pray for myself to grow as His daughter  and a heart of compassion towards people who I am struggling to love.

And to guide my along this simple life of mine of self discovery in Him, He reminded of the redemption story that He once bore and lived through. So this few weeks, I know well that it's all about redemption that had happened and will happen.

It has begun. I believe so.


Monday, July 13, 2015

Spelling Out Life... With Marriage

Honestly it's tough work. You realize how stupid, selfish and fearful you are as a person. 

I guess this is the phase where you wish you know it all because it's tough work. 

Ah well, marriage is what you get when you say I Do and marriage challenges your brain cells and heart core. 

Enjoy it while you still live. 

Sunday, January 12, 2014

Spelling Out Life... with Working Phase

ok. I'm working now.

Time flies huh. Now i'm working in Bangsar, based here for a short while. Meeting the gorgeous people in the spa house. There are Master Zhang, Viji, Lynette, Melyn, Ruhana and Afzan. They are beautiful inside and God really blessed me with their presence! Uncle Zhang is from China, a really really great father figure! 

Spelling Out Life.. with 2014

God is Good.

I have to say this. He sustained me the whole year last year. This year, He is my Jehovah Shammah. Whatever it will be, I pray that He will teach me how to love like Him and how to live like Him. That's it.

My dreams and wishes for this year that I wanna experience:

1. are I want to go to islands. Different islands. I don't know why. I just want to feel the breeze.
2. are Enough financial help to go forth with the wedding
3. are Professionalism.
4. are God surprises me in everything I do.
5. are God guiding me through every decisions.
6. are God teaching me this year about love, responsibility, grace and hope.
7. are travelling around to new cities and have more than enough funds to go around!
8. are God providing me a hunger for Him every step of the day.
9. are me acknowledging God in all that I experience.
10. are God's strength in all that I go through.

In Jesus name,

Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Spelling Out Life... with Graduation

I want to thank:

1. my parents for patiently giving me money every semester
2. Paul for giving me money, aid, support and attention everyday for the past 3 years.
3. my CF friends: Su-Jian, Nernny etc etc. batch of 2009-2013, you guys are the core of support in prayers and actions.
4. my TESL friends: Ina, Qila, Luke, Ku, Pian, Hasif, and Reza and the rest of the classmates. Ina, please know that our 5 years together mean a lot to me. The Geng Tujuh, please know that I love you guys for standing by me in 3 and half years. :)
5. my ICC friends: Daniel Singh and the family, Amy and Tim, Bobby, Alex, Charlene, Jon, Jen, Carolyn, Lex, Judith, Eto, Abraham, Sharon, Pr Ben etc etc... thank you for giving me joy through all my doubts and sorrows.
6. my ex roommates: Ah Saw, Esther and most importantly, Yee Yeong (Wai Wai): You girls watch me grow. Thank you for putting up on my ridiculous character. I love you Wai Wai, and I thank you for not giving up on me.
7. my KTHO friends: Syiqah, wan, nana, JAKSA KTHO, thanks for teaching me a good life.
8. my UKM-Faculty & non-ukm friends from Selangor, Sarawak, Melaka, Johor, Kelantan, Pahang, Perak etc etc.. You have been a great friend to me. God made me know you and blessed me with your love and care.
9. most importantly: God. He made this happen. He made me happen.

Monday, July 15, 2013

Spelling out Life... with the angry sour puss

I am angry at myself. I wish I could die. Leaving my faith for a month is making me a different person that people say "that's not the joy i know". I'm pretty much fucked up inside. I'm angry for no apparent reason. I HATE myself right now. I blame others for my own faults. I hate myself for being so stupid and shallow. I hate myself for being so annoying. I hate myself for being a burden to many. I hate everything that is bugging me. I am so pissed at everyone and everything. I am a loner. I want to be alone. I want to fuck my life. i love swearing. i have been swearing a lot lately. I feel very sien. SIEN. mcb. Im pissed. leaving the big man up there is fucking my life up. I cant even say his name or even name him as someone i should be looking up to.

ahhhhhh.. mcb! screw me. screw everyone around me. i hate this post. fucking ass post.

Monday, January 14, 2013

Spelling Out Life... with Anticipation

I can't wait to teach next month! God, I don't know what I'll face in school, but I strongly believe that this is the crazy passion You gave me and You will bring me through with strength, joy, faith, encouragements, support and wisdom. I REALLY REALLY can't wait! I've been waiting for 5 years to reach to this practicum level! I may not remember what I learnt in the classes in university, but I REALLY REALLY can't wait to teach in Your way! :D

Pray for me folks, for I REALLY REALLY REALLY CAN'T WAIT! Pray for the teenagers that I'm going to impact and show hope to! Pray for them to grow in love, respect and wisdom! :)

Love always,
All Glory Goes Back to the LORD.