Monday, April 11, 2016

Spelling Out Life... With Brokenness and Redemptions

Hey.. I'm back for a while.

Lately I've been experiencing a ride of emotional journey. But it could not have been better. I know I made all the mistakes that I've done. I've broken several hearts and hurt some egos along the ways. I too have not shed my weights.

I broke the heart of another. We fought over principles, I wanted her to not get into deeper shit, I wanted her to make the right choices in life, I wanted her to not get further hurt, I wanted her to stay good, I have had high expectations on her all these while and I wanted it to stay that way. But I broke her heart, I was angry, I wasn't the one she trusted, I felt disappointed, I felt provoked, I was downcasted, I was heartbroken, I felt small and I felt that some part of me died and I've cursed her and everything she has and will have. I was controlling her choices and I let my expectations broke my heart. It was my mistake. I was holding on to a false hope and I wanted to control it. I wanted to know that I still have a part of my life still intact or at least hope that it was the only thing left good in that part of my life. I was indeed stupid for having that highest expectations! So yes, I  was wrong. I was leaning so much on my understanding, my strength and my foolish foolish mind.

And yet, Isn't it beautiful how God wants us to draw our hearts to Him and not onto men and this happen?

Bet you are thinking, do I still want to forgive her? Hard question. My close friend reminded me to not struggle with forgiveness and not to expect forgiveness to happen immediately when hearts are still broken and hurt. Deep down inside I know I will eventually forgive because I don't think I have the capacity to be angry at anyone for a long time. Right now I can only pray for healing in  my heart, pray for myself to grow as His daughter  and a heart of compassion towards people who I am struggling to love.

And to guide my along this simple life of mine of self discovery in Him, He reminded of the redemption story that He once bore and lived through. So this few weeks, I know well that it's all about redemption that had happened and will happen.

It has begun. I believe so.