Spelling Out Life... With Questions

I come to learn that I make people question my capabilities in handling relationships right now.

To many, in a relationship, one should:

1. be serious in the relationship
2. take her/his time
3. not jump straight into it
4. have a clear mind
5. not follow feelings much
6. be sure of oneself

etc etc.

That pressures me.

Being 21, flamboyant, outgoing, friendly, happy-go-lucky kind of girl, it's not a fun thing to have people's perceptions of "what a relationship should be" tie around my neck. Yes, I honour the conventional traditional way of courtship. But, I dont know la, I have my own perception of what I see my relationship be, you know.

For me, the way I see relationship is that
1. I inform/tell everyone I love about him, vice versa
2. I won't go PDA (Public Display of Affection) around.
3. I won't do what is not right to me or make him do whatever that is not right before our God.
4. I grow with him and vice versa.
5. I update people about our current walk in life.
6. My studies or other commitments are not affected by it.
7. I let him meet everyone that is important to me and vice versa.

I don't know la. Honestly, I feel like I cant fit in people's perception right now and I'm technically going up against current. It's pressuring ba. People expect me to learn from my past and they expect me to learn REALLY well. Now, many are questioning the way I carry myself with my past words, whether "will joy keep her words as she promised?" or "will she repeat the same mistake again and fall?". Everyone has their eyes on me, wanting me to succeed until the point where I begin to develop this huge fear that I will fail them one day.

How I feel right now?
1. I wanna cry for sharing the news with people about him. Although I do want people to know his existence.
2. I wanna cry because I'm pressured about "will this next step I take is a bad one? will they look down on me if it's a mistake?"
3. I wanna cry because I'm capable of failing this current relationship one day and everyone is going to give me that head shakes again.
4. I wanna cry because now, I'm beginning to develop a sense of faith in this one and people are telling me to back off for now.
5. I wanna cry because their perceptions are making me doubtful of myself. I cant do this, right???
6. I feel stupid. I don't know the manual book for dating but all I know I'm honouring myself before God and him before Him. Somehow it's not enough to make people have a little faith in me in this whole thing.


My sister Grace just opened up my eyes. she kept on emphasizing that "Joy, you are still young. It's okay if you make mistake. It's part of life. If you're happy now, then good la. Better than being scared in taking nothing at all the whole time. Don't stress out about your relationship and what others perceive you. You will learn through the process la. Relax jak la. biar jak mereka habis air liur." HAHAHAHAHA..


so begitu la perasaan saya sekarang. tension.