Spelling out Life... with 3 deaths and 3 Weddings

Hey guys,

I've been having some rough patches lately and they weren't kind to me most of the time. I guess that is what we all need once in a while...

I know some of you have not known this, but I just had my third funeral in 10 months last month on the 6 Sept. It is still painful and sad for me, not only I lost someone who watched me grow from birth, but I lost someone whom I dearly loved, my uncle Joe. He succumbed to nose cancer but I believe God restored his soul along the way.

SIGH. 

I still am mourning. Up to now.

But God is good. Although it is pretty hard to acknowledge that right now. 

God is good.

You know how I know?

He added unto us 3 weddings to replace the tears we shed.

My sister's wedding was in July.

My brother's wedding was a day after Uncle Joe's death.

My cousin's wedding was a day after Uncle Joe's burial.

Yet, the weekend that Uncle Joe's passing, it was freaking shitty hard. I had emotional breakdown for a week or two after the funeral and the weddings. My brains can't handle two distinct emotions in a good one day. Imagine, funeral during the day, wedding at night and the day after. It was insane. I really thank God for a new month, a new day and patient companies who stood by me and cried with me. 

I miss you, uncle.

Here's a gift for you because it was emotionally hard to give it to you the day when you reach heaven and meet Daddy God, Ipu Kerato and Ipu Beridang. :(

Smile, daughter, smile

out of the wheels again, yet

thoughts that bristles and tingle, that smile,

 captivates me all the time

and it kept me.

Alive. 

For all the time I had.

Alive is what your smiles made me.

Please, in all you do,

smile, daughter, smile.

Even when i'm not on the wheels again

it kept me.

Alive.

For all the time you have.

Spelling Out Life... with Mirror Her

She becomes your expectation when you least know it

She becomes your doll when you want it to be

She becomes your life when you subtly feed it

She becomes less of her mind when she finally realized it too late.

She becomes less of her soul when she finally found her mind

She becomes less of her heart when she finally found her soul

She becomes less of nothingness when she finally found her heart left

She yearns to be what you want her to be, 

yet it seems like she's retaliating.

She yearns to strive her inner beauty,

yet it is against time, when time is not yet there.

She yearns to build her self again,

yet it seems like she was never up all along.

She yearns to be independent and strong,

yet it seems like she was not meant to be.

She yearns to love herself and others,

yet it seems like she had no love to begin with.

Dear you, 

She's retaliating because you want her to be your expectation.

She's retaliating because experiences will nurture her, not you.

She's retaliating because she wants herself back, not the image you want of her.

She's retaliating because she knows she is perfect, but not in your time.

She's retaliating because that love she had was scarred deep inside, not because she had none.

She is building herself now but you need to find yourself too, 

because she sees that you are exactly her.

Spelling Out Life... with Cataclysm

When you were standing in the wake of devastation 

When you were waiting on the edge of the unknown 

With the cataclysm raining down

Your insides crying, "Save me now" 

You were there, impossibly alone. 

- Irisdescent

yes, I am possibly alone and I need His saving hands. sigh

Spelling Out Life... with Not-So-Positive Mind

Lately with what is going on in my family and relationship, I start to see things in a mundane-lifeless way... I have not been feeding myself with truth and words of encouragement but I gave myself hard-aching lies that sips out the joy in me. I know God is good but I lose heart. I lose heart. It's easy to be in that position, u see, u just need to stay away from the Word for a day or two, pick quarrels with someone you love once or twice, say "i'm okay" everyday, be alone and online for almost all the time, isolate yourself on and off, and VOILA, you just got your heart lost! sigh.


Oh Lord, Lord, teach me words of life once again that I may worship You again and bless others with it. I've been nothing but "I Dont Know" or "I cant". teach me to stop being useless and give me the heart to grow again. I'm tired and lost.

Spelling Out Life with... His Strength!

Oh boy, it's not easy. It needs constant reminder not to fall back into sexual immoralities, lustful thoughts, speeches and actions. But to make it clear, I have not had sex with anyone ever in my life, which I thank God He had been there preventing me for a good long few years now. Good God he is. :)

So far, I fell a few times, of course, but every day it is a lesson learnt and now, for a good few weeks, I'm free from it! HAHA. I feel clean and it's like a testimony to me! Kudos to me. I do encourage all of you, who have sexual addictions on stuff you shouldn't have, pray for repentance, tell someone about it and come clean. don't fall for hell when heaven is just steps away. :) He will work in you and through you and I'll pray alongside you. :) He helps and He's a forgiving father and He loves you. :)

xx

all glory to God in the highest. 

Spelling Out Life... with The Lord's Call

Hey guys, how are ya?

:)

I've been having some quiet time lately, it has been good. :) Today, I've read the book of Haggai coz that's what He wants me to learn from. From the utter painful cane from book of Hosea, He reminds me about His forgiveness and grace that He wants me to have after a long time. A few verses stroke my mind as I spent time with Him.

Haggai 1:1-12

⁷ This is what the Lord Almighty says: “Give careful thought to your ways. ⁸ Go up into the mountains and bring down timber and build my house, so that I may take pleasure in it and be honored,” says the Lord. ⁹ “You expected much, but see, it turned out to be little. What you brought home, I blew away. Why?” declares the Lord Almighty. “Because of my house, which remains a ruin, while each of you is busy with your own house. ¹⁰ Therefore, because of you the heavens have withheld their dew and the earth its crops. ¹¹ I called for a drought on the fields and the mountains, on the grain, the new wine, the olive oil and everything else the ground produces, on people and livestock, and on all the labor of your hands.”

He constantly reminded me of "give careful thought to your ways" and "because of my house, which remains a ruin, while each of you is busy with your own house". It took me a second to know that I've been such a slack in His ways, which all of you have known. I know I'm not going to be best at keeping my mouth shut or be less like a kid, but I guess, everybody needs to start from somewhere. I also learnt that God wants so much of His temple to be there, which is in us, that pure loving relationship that He so very want to have, but it was in ruin because we are so busy with everything outside this relationship of His. We want our own home, a place of security, to be a place where we design, we forge, we create and it's all about US, our selfish self, that we leave behind His temple, and we constantly and independently grow on our own strength to build a security for ourself, just plain forgetting the only place He wants to dwell in. 

and one thing I'm still not done praying is due to this verse. I still can't get around it. It was speaking so loud  that I know He spoke to me though still don't know what it means. 

Haggai 2:23

“‘On that day,’ declares the Lord Almighty, ‘I will take you, my servant Zerubbabel son of Shealtiel,’ declares the Lord, ‘and I will make you like my signet ring, for I have chosen you,’ declares the Lord Almighty.”

I am not doubtful of what will happen in the next adventure I face but rest assured, He will take me to another level of faith. I will be that joy and grace that He will be proud of because I am His own. :) 

For I have forgotten the ways that You want me to have, restore in me the heart to be passionate for this land, the people and for Your words. This is what You have called me for and flame it back, Lord. 

That's about it today.

Nothing promiscuous. LOL. 

To God be the glory. :)

Spelling Out Life... with Reality

I welcome you in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ. :)

I hope I don't mislead all of you from the Truth that I have in my life. The truth of how He is real to me is there but it's not easy when you become a Christian. It's just NOT!

It's by far, the most challenging, mind quenching, attitude crapping, rebelling, outrageously insane faith that one could possible have in one's entire life! It is! But believing and falling in love with the one Living Lord Jesus Christ is just undeniably magnetic, loving, soul-freedom assuring, awesome and outrageously crazy fun! SERIOUS! Kid you not!

Follow my old posts since 2007, I've been downright falling into shit, yet I know the Lord is with me. I've been up in my head, there He is knocking my down a notch. I've been a stupid Christian on and off my entire life, yet He is molding me through every seasons of it. Imagine, the good times are actually more than those bad ones! You know why? God is good! He gives you the joy and grace through the bad ones, hence, good experience topples those bad ones! :) The affair my dad had before was excruciatingly painful but He was there through my godfamily, my ex and best friends. :) The joy they gave me was the joy that He wanted me to have. :) I came out of it believing in Him and correcting my father. See, who says you can't talk back to your parents? I had a chance and it made a difference! :) Praise His name for all the trials I had, even now. :) 

Oh yes, I've been posting more negative, an unlikely "Christian" way of postings, but hey, I know deep in my heart that this is a phase I'm supposed to go through. I know at the end of these, I'll learn again. I'm taking heart of the decision I've made last week. I'm stronger in Him now. I'm growing. I know I am. :) Praise Him. 

Repentance doesn't come easy but who says the same God that was resurrected on the third day of His death, isn't alive and can't do any miracles and wondrous beauty in a lowly life like me? :)

My God is good. :) I hope you're encouraged whenever you're down. The Lord is with you at all time, even you choose to look at your mistakes and faults. 

Amen