Spelling Out Life.. with Confession of a Sinner

God has been good for leading me to the Book Hosea. He has been good. I'm just the stupid one that ignores Him. I guess when one confessed of their sexual past, they are too ashamed to tell it to someone close. It is that bad to confess it to someone. the holy figure that they placed on you is gone now, you are the liar and the hypocrite. So yes, I'm that liar and hypocrite. LOL. Oops. I just shattered your views on me now. Like what Liza said "You're not so innocent after all.".. Yea.

At this time around, I'm learning to overcome it. I'm learning to let it go. U know, all the sex stuff. From up there in the head to speech to actions. I've been hiding for a long long time now, thanks Michelle and Joshua for teaching me repentance. You've heard of my stories, yet you said I am able to go through it, when I feel so unclean and such a big liar to the people around me. thanks for pushing me earlier on though I chose not to listen. I chose to be stupid and stubborn. I chose to be blind. I chose to play dirty over purity. I chose shame over shamelessness. I chose death over life. I chose all these sexual immoralities over God. The God that continuously teaching me life, love, joy, peace.... that same God who is faithful, who is jealous, who is pure, holy, my shepherd, my father, my friend. I caused HIM to die on that cross. I caused HIM to be beaten. I caused HIS lungs to be stabbed. I caused HIM to come all the way down from heaven.  I cause HIM to wear that thorn. I caused HIM to sweat of blood. cry and sweat of blood. I've cried before, but not shed with blood.

God, you know my heart. You cause it to beat. You saw my pasts. You were there, hurt. Now, please have me back again. I'm sorry. Cleanse me again so that I can be closer to You and spend more time with You. Help me. Guide me and break me. I need Your help in this.

I need Your help.
Forgive me.

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God, I'm cursing inside. hoping that these people around me hear me. hoping that they hear my hunger. hoping that they hear my anguish. hoping they hear my hatred towards it. im angry at it. this is useless. this is stupid. i hate it. i hate it. i hate it. God, i dont know what You want but i just wish there was nothing to begin with. I'm not learning, damn it. I'm not. I'm not. I feel 10 times stupid now. !@#@ !@## !@$#!!!!!

Hosea 5

New International Version (NIV)

Judgment Against Israel

“Hear this, you priests!
    Pay attention, you Israelites!
Listen, royal house!
    This judgment^(A) is against you:
You have been a snare^(B) at Mizpah,
    a net^(C) spread out on Tabor.
² The rebels are knee-deep in slaughter.^(D)
    I will discipline all of them.^(E)
3 I know all about Ephraim;
    Israel is not hidden^(F) from me.
Ephraim, you have now turned to prostitution;
    Israel is corrupt.^(G)

⁴ “Their deeds do not permit them
    to return^(H) to their God.
A spirit of prostitution^(I) is in their heart;
    they do not acknowledge^(J) the Lord.
⁵ Israel’s arrogance testifies^(K) against them;
    the Israelites, even Ephraim, stumble^(L) in their sin;
    Judah also stumbles with them.^(M)
6 When they go with their flocks and herds
    to seek the Lord,^(N)
they will not find him;
    he has withdrawn^(O) himself from them.
⁷ They are unfaithful^(P) to the Lord;
    they give birth to illegitimate^(Q) children.
When they celebrate their New Moon feasts,^(R)
    he will devour^[a](S) their fields.

⁸ “Sound the trumpet^(T) in Gibeah,^(U)
    the horn in Ramah.^(V)
Raise the battle cry in Beth Aven^[b];^(W)
    lead on, Benjamin.
⁹ Ephraim will be laid waste^(X)
    on the day of reckoning.^(Y)
Among the tribes of Israel
    I proclaim what is certain.^(Z)
10 Judah’s leaders are like those
    who move boundary stones.^(AA)
I will pour out my wrath^(AB) on them
    like a flood of water.
¹¹ Ephraim is oppressed,
    trampled in judgment,
    intent on pursuing idols.^[c](AC)
12 I am like a moth^(AD) to Ephraim,
    like rot^(AE) to the people of Judah.

¹³ “When Ephraim^(AF) saw his sickness,
    and Judah his sores,
then Ephraim turned to Assyria,^(AG)
    and sent to the great king for help.^(AH)
But he is not able to cure^(AI) you,
    not able to heal your sores.^(AJ)
14 For I will be like a lion^(AK) to Ephraim,
    like a great lion to Judah.
I will tear them to pieces^(AL) and go away;
    I will carry them off, with no one to rescue them.^(AM)
15 Then I will return to my lair^(AN)
    until they have borne their guilt^(AO)
    and seek my face^(AP)—
in their misery^(AQ)
    they will earnestly seek me.^(AR)”

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and I am these people. Pray for me. Help me. Walk with me. Until I'm back with the LORD again.